[musings & memoirs]

A hamburger isn't, by itself, a terrible nutritional choice. Topped with some lettuce and tomato, ketchup and mustard, and served on a relatively small bun, a burger is a high-protein treat that shouldn't pack too much fat or too many calories. But every few months, we watch in horror as another bacon-enhanced, cheese-embalmed, ranch-riddled weapon of mass inflation hits menu boards. Why are we so concerned? Americans scarf down more than 40 billion restaurant burgers annually (or about 150 per person), and if you stack one of those bloated burgers next to a beverage like those on our list of the 20 unhealthiest drinks in America, you can rack up a whole day’s worth of calories in a single, misguided meal.

On the flipside, that also means you can save 10 or 15 pounds a year simply by making smarter burger choices. To get you started, we compiled a list of the 15 greasiest patties ever to be sandwiched between two buns. And to make sure you stay on track, we also tracked down a handful of healthier alternatives that prove you can eat better without sacrificing flavor.

1. Most blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
   
   
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
   
   
3. The blues lyrics are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
   
   
4. The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
   
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
   
   
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In the blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the 'lectric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
   
   
7. The blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
   
   
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
   
   
9. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
   
   
10. Good places for the blues:
    
    a. Highway
    b. Jailhouse
    c. Empty bed
    d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
    
    
11. Bad places for the Blues:
    
    a. Nordstrom's
    b. Gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. Golf courses
    
    
12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person and you slept in it.
    
    
13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    
    Yes, if:
    a. you're older than dirt;
    b. you're blind;
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied.
    
    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth;
    b. you were once blind but now can see;
    c. the man in Memphis lived
    d. you have a 401K or trust fund
    
    
14. The blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
    
    
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the blues
    
    Other acceptable blues beverages are:
    a. cheap wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee
    
    The following are NOT blues beverages:
    a. Perrier
    b. Chardonnay
    c. Snapple
    d. Slim Fast
    
    
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So are the 'lectric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
    
    
17. Some blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling
    
    
18. Some blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie
    
    
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    
    
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    
    For example:
    a. Blind Lemon Jefferson
    b. Pegleg Lime Johnson
    c. Cripple Peach Fillmore
    
    
21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period.
    
    
    

I'm feeling: amused

"...the problem is that even the most creative people are often careful about asking questions for fear of looking stupid."

"If you look at 4-year-olds, they are constantly asking questions and wondering how things work. But by the time they are 6 ½ years old they stop asking questions because they quickly learn that teachers value the right answers more than provocative questions. High school students rarely show inquisitiveness. And by the time they're grown up and are in corporate settings, they have already had the curiosity drummed out of them."

Yeah. The only statement I want to make is that I am an innocent man - convicted of a crime I did not commit. I have been persecuted for 12 years for something I did not do. From God's dust I came and to dust I will return - so the earth shall become my throne. I gotta go, road dog. I love you Gabby.